Regrets
by looking for
Summary: Jim doesn't know how to react when Spock comes to him for help... and ends up doing something he regrets bitterly. Rated T for language and slash.


Disclaimer: Uhh, I don't own Star Trek. And I'm not making money offa this. No duh. And I also used some bad, bad language. It was mostly for emphasis though.

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He had fucked it up.

Of course, he had. As he usually did. What else would he have done?

He wonders: Why does he have to fuck up _every single thing_ that's important to him?

Every time his mother saw him, back when he still lived with her, she looked away with pain writhing in her eyes. She couldn't stand to stay at their Iowa home without taking off every other week. It was enough to make him wish that he looked like someone besides his father.

He even manages to fuck up things that _aren't his fault_.

Then, there was Spock. Damn, there was Spock. Of course, of course he had managed to screw up one of the best, most important friendships in his life by doing something completely stupid and cocky. _Again._

-

It had started when Spock had decided his relationship with Uhura was illogical. Though he would never admit it, and would vehemently refuse the possibility if asked… Jim was, in his heart, very, very glad.

Nyota was heartbroken, to say the least. She was a passionate young woman, and she was deeply hurt when she found her feelings weren't returned. (And she thought they were in the first place, which made it all the more worse.) It didn't make any sense to her- why had he acted like he had cared as much as she had, if he didn't at all? But there was nothing to do about it now… all she could do is sit and take it; and since she was a strong woman, she took it without crying. (At least that's what Spock thought. He didn't see anything.)

Anyways, just two minutes, according to rumor, after he had enlightened Uhura of his feelings-or lack of- Spock had shown up outside Jim's doorstep.

The Vulcan tapped lightly on the door, and when there was no response, he used his First Officer's override to open the door's privacy lock. He stepped inside the living quarters, striding through the space quickly, searching for his Captain.

The captain was fast asleep, lying facedown on his bed. Apparently, though, he had managed to undress himself enough for sleep before collapsing- he was clothed in the StarFleet issued black undershirt and boxers.

It was only when the Captain had rolled over and looked Spock over with those clear blue eyes of his that Spock realized that maybe he had made a grave mistake.

"Spock?" Jim said, slightly inquiring, his eyebrow raised (eerily echoing one of Spock's favorite expressions.) "Do you need something?"

"No," answered Spock, looking a bit out of place… he never visited this place except for times of emergency. Jim couldn't place his expression, which was unusual… by now, he had memorized the half-dozen variants on his expressions that he used. "I just wished to talk."

"Hmm," mused Jim. "About what?"

Before Spock had a chance to think over his answer, (which he wasn't sure about, anyways), Jim had gotten up and offered a chair to him. Spock thanked him and sat down, which was also rare. As a general rule, Spock preferred to stand. (Jim assumed this was because he liked to have as many advantages as possible.)

"So: what's wrong, Spock?"  
Spock avoided eye contact.

"I have terminated my relationship with Nyota. And now I believe she harbors feelings of resentment and anger towards me. Why doesn't she just…understand…?" at the end, his voice trembled a bit, an odd show of emotion (for him).

Jim was shocked that Spock was revealing to him a side of himself he had never seen before. (So this was the side of him that Uhura liked.)

"It's nothing to worry about, Spock," Jim said, "she'll eventually get over it and you can be friends… I'm sure that right now she's just a little bit surprised. Maybe more than a little bit surprised. I know I am."

"You're surprised, Captain?"  
Jim, slightly distracted (maybe a bit intoxicated) by the scent of Spock's breath- it was like an exotic herb, and still very Spock-ish at the same time- went on.

"Of course I am. You two certainly seemed to be getting along fine when you were making out in the turbolift after—" Abruptly, he cut off this sarcastic statement, in fear of sounding harsh, talking about the time after the death of Spock's mother and his planet.

"Those were very stressing circumstances," The tips of Spock's ears and his cheeks had turned slightly green. "My mind was muddled by all that had happened."

"Yes, yes. I know," said Jim, a bit skeptical.

"So…" he continued, looking up at Spock and realizing suddenly that their faces were quite close, "I still don't understand why you're here."

Spock, glancing away from Jim's face for a second, said after a pause, "I do not know either. Maybe it's best that I lea—"

"No!" Jim almost shouted. "I mean, no," he repeated sheepishly. "Just, don't. Don't leave, Spock."

Not answering, touched against his will by the plaintive tone in Jim's voice, Spock lifted his eyes to study Jim's face, and Jim saw something different there….

Before he had time to think about it, Jim had reached his hand over and stroked Spock's smooth cheek. He traced the line of his jawbone, stroking towards his pointed ear. Surprisingly, he felt the Vulcan shiver under his light touch.

Was it an invitation? Jim didn't know; but it was too late, their lips were already pressed together, the heat from the kiss scorching both of them. Spock's hands had managed to find themselves draped over Jim's shoulders and Jim was pressing his hands everywhere he could reach on the Vulcan, neck, shoulders, back, hips, hair.

With a jolt, Jim realized what they were doing, and what he had done to start it. This was his First Officer, for God's sake! With awkward motions, he stood up and started towards the door of his quarters.

He called back, his voice trembling- "Sorry, Spock."

"Damn," he muttered under his breath, though Spock still heard it, as he walked out of the room. "

He left, leaving Spock sitting in his Captain's quarters, staring after Jim and wondering what he had done wrong.

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